Graveside Robbery and A Death Wish

My wife was interested in finding out what it would cost to bury me. I know, right?—kind of morbid, creepy, and suspicious. I’m way too young for her to be asking these questions. We just had our anniversary- which I was diligent to remember. I just can’t think of any reason why she’d be mad at me—which in itself is a probable indication that I’ve done something to perturb her.

Jamie said that her only motivation was being considerate to our loved ones. She wants to have a plan in place and even financial arrangements taken care of. This fits her personality. She did the same thing when we got married. She made installments from each of her paychecks for all the teal bridesmaid dresses that her wedding party would wear. And when I went to pay for the groomsmen’s tuxedos I found that she had paid them off, to surprise me, as well.

Knowing that her motives were probably above board still didn’t make me anticipate the appointment with the funeral home any more. Just before we walked out the door I asked her again why we were going and she simply said, “Because you agreed to it.” This is another reminder that it is dangerous to mumble, “Whatever you say, Honey” when you aren’t sure what your spouse has asked you.

I’m not adverse to cemeteries, funeral homes, or prudent planning, but I certainly had some sticker shock today on how much it costs to die. My grandparents are buried in the cemetery we visited today and now I realize where my inheritance was spent.

Let me first say this. I've officiated many funerals through the years and I have great admiration for funeral home directors and their staffs. It takes a special gift to stay committed and caring to multitudes of mourning people, day after day. I have friends in this business who are true ministers of compassion.

With that out of the way- OH MY GOSH, do you know how much money you can spend on your body when it is lifeless and cold? I had no idea!

We were given a breakdown of the various costs, which in our state is the law, and then shown the savings we can get by bundling several of the services together. The contract with the funeral home for a traditional or contemporary service and visitation was over $4500 per person. This includes picking my body up from wherever it fell, combing the hair I don’t have, dressing me in clothes I don’t normally wear, and putting makeup on me to make me look like I’m not dead. It covers the rental of the facilities for others to view their handiwork and attend a service in their chapel, which hopefully is too small.

Unfortunately this doesn’t cover all of the traditional parts of a funeral—the bulletins, the obituary, the flowers—they are all extra. There is even an additional fee for paying the staff to open and close the cemetery (which in this case is a bit odd since there are no gates to open or close on these grounds). Oh yes, did I mention that there are still additional high ticket items to pay for including the plot, the casket, the vault, and the headstone?

So I said to our funeral package salesman, “Wow, this is getting expensive! Can’t we do this simple? Let’s say I decide to get buried over there by my grandparents. How much will that plot be?”

“Around $1500. For a couple of hundred more we can put you up on the hill above them.”

“Hill?”

“Well, do you see how the ground isn’t exactly level over there—how part of it slopes up a couple of feet?”

“Yes…”

“That’s the hill.”

“Okay, forget the high rise. Just put me down for a plot next to the grandparents.”

“Sure. How about the coffin?

“You know, to be honest. I don’t think I need one. My body is going to deteriorate anyway. I’m good with you just putting me six feet under and putting the dirt back on top.”

“We can’t do that, sir.”

“Why not?”

“Against state law.”

“What if I bring a box?”

“Sorry, sir. You have to have a special box.”

“Well how much will the special box put me back?”

“Our least special, special box is $1600.”

“Egads!” (This is the first time I’ve ever exclaimed that word, but it seemed to fit the situation.) “Hopefully that is all we need?”

“No, sir. You will also need to purchase a vault.”

“A vault? What is that for?”

“Well, sir, it is a special box that is made for the casket to reside in.”

“You mean my casket, the special box, has a special box of its own? I don’t think I’ll need one of those.”

“Sir, it is cemetery policy that all caskets be placed in vaults. We insist that you purchase one. You may be happy to hear that we can customize the vaults in your sports team’s favorite colors so you can represent them in perpetuity.”

“But once the casket is put in the vault, isn’t it buried?”

“Of course, sir.”

“Well then who is going to see me represent after the brief graveside service?

“Sir, you will have the comfort of knowing now that you will, for eternity, be encased in a Boise State Broncos vault.”

“And how much are these vaults?”

“They start at $2200, sir.”

“Good God!”

“Yes, sir. He is.”

“Are we done now?”

“Sir, there is the matter of the headstone.”

“Silly me, of course…”

“With laser etching we can create a double headstone for you and your wife complete with six or seven pictures that represent your best years together.”

“Just curious, has my wife already given you these pictures?”

“No, sir.”

“Fantastic! Well how much is this picture headstone?”

“$7500”

“You took that saying that 'a picture is worth a thousand words' literally, didn’t you?”

“Of course, sir.”

Sigh…

“Sir, we also have our granite headstones for just $3500, or our basic brown, which is hard to distinguish as it matches the color of the earth, for just $2300.

He hands me one last brochure to help seal the deal. It includes newspaper clippings of Sonny Bono fatally hitting a tree while skiing, Princess Diana dying in the car accident, and JFK Jr’s plane crash off of Martha’s Vineyard. Underneath the articles is the headline, "It’s Not A Question Of If….. It’s When."

I understand that there are benefits to pre-planning an event that is sure to take place. Paying in advance for my funeral will either help my loved ones not have to emotionally overspend or keep them from being cheapskates with my money. Paying in advance also helps me lock in at these great rates today, because of course the funeral home plans to raise their affordable prices many times before I intend on dying. And yes, pre paying and planning for my funeral removes the burden from my friends and family, which is the real reason Jamie drug me down to the funeral home.

Now maybe my thoughts will change on over the years, but here is my current death wish—I would much rather take the amount of money that it costs to die and use it now while I’m alive. I’d rather take a cruise with my wife than be buried beside her. I’d rather have my friends over for a meal that I personally prepared for them while I’m still kicking, then pay for the vegetable and fruit trays from Costco when I’m deceased. I’d much rather leave a legacy to a foundation or missions group then create a hallowed location of my decaying bones in layers of buried boxes.

As cheap and as fast as I can I want this body reduced to ashes. The real me will already be secured safely away; the part that is left can be scattered somewhere spectacular. If daring, maybe one of my kids can haul me back up to the top of Mt. Borah. I’ve loved those climbs and I love that view. If that makes it too difficult for those who might want to attend, I’d suggest scattering the ashes near an alpine lake in the Sawtooth Mountains. I think God created that mountain range by stepping in the middle of Idaho while it was still wet letting the clay squeeze up through his toes. My body always feels rejuvenated when I hike there, so it would be a pretty natural place for it to remain.

How about you? Have you pre-arranged your funeral? What are your plans?